Only happens to me...

I have a friend... don't laugh. I have many.

This friend, who shall remain nameless (or maybe not) makes fun of me mercilessly regarding my "stories".

I can't help it. Some people have "good stories with picnics and lemonade and noodle salad" (movie line, any guesses?). I have what I guess some would call absurd "stories". Many times in which I have told my "stories" and have been called a liar. But unfortunately they are the God's honest truth... no bull... ain't pullin' yer leg... not pullin' the wool over your eyes... truth.

Am I embarrassed? Quite often, yes. But I like to view myself as unique. Don't burst my bubble.

So to shame my name even further I've decided to blog one of my "stories".

No pity please, I am furthering my uniqueness (a word?). At least that is what I'm going to keep telling myself.

After graduating high school I ventured out into the "real" world. While I was thrilled to be in this new world of adult responsibility and sleeping in till noon everyday, I very quickly realized that there was a need for something called "income". I had to do something about this.

But what? Hmmm... a job ya that would probably work. I wanted a job where I didn't have to deal with drama. I had had enough of that stuff for the last 10 years of my life in the public school system. I wanted something where I could sit at a desk and look professional, answer phones, do reports, adult stuff.

So I got a job at the Beer Barn. :) Okay so not quite what I was picturing but it was fun and I made quite a bit of money, which was all I was really interested in anyways. I got a nice apartment, had a lot of friends, and had very little responsibility in my life. Soooo.... onto the actual "story".

While driving to my "non-adult" job one November morning it happened...

I was violently attacked by a deer (actually a buck). Either that or he was trying to hitch a ride.

Now I don't mean I hit a deer on the road like every other normal person in the Texas Hill Country... I mean I was attacked.

To further this whacked out event, I'll give you a little more insight into my life. I had lived on ranches my ENTIRE life! I had a custom grill guard put on my vehicle because I lived in the middle of frikkin' nowhere where it was an everyday occurence to hit these creatures. Not once in the very few years that I'd been driving had I ever remotely had to use this impervious grill guard.

Anywho... so on this blissful morning while driving my very safe "deer-guarded" vehicle I come to a stop behind a mall at a stoplight. In my peripheral vision I see a blur coming at me from the CAR WASH on my driver's side. I assumed it was a car. I thought to myself, "this is it Colleen...the end... finite...you've bought the farm... bit the bullet." Saw my life flash before my eyes (which terrified me more than the blur coming at me, yikes) and then it happened.

The blur hit my drivers side door, I turned to protect myself with my back facing the window, and something stabbed me. Then something was moving.... thrashing violently inside my car! I looked and low and behold this "blur" was not a car it was a deer.

Aghast I shrieked with horror then the next thing I remember I was coming to and hearing people yelling at me "Are you ok?" "Can you drive yourself to the parking lot?"

So I did where I proceeded to learn from many stunned witnesses that a 5 point buck had tried to hitch a ride with me. Wherein I was not amused.

The EMS arrived along with the fire brigade to let me know that they would require the help of the "jaws of life" to extract me from the vehicle because 5 firemen could not get my car door to open. That didn't sound good. Fortunately they eventually unjammed the door without the help of the "jaws of life" and started yelling at me NOT TO MOVE! I had complained of neck pain... big mistake. They strapped a neck brace on me put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance for a whoppin' 1 mile drive across the bridge to the emergency room... I kid you not.

Wheeled in the ER, past a friend of mine that shrieked in horror at the sight of me on a stretcher, and was told by a nurse that looked my age (keep in mind I am 18 when this happened) that she was not allowed to touch me until a doctor arrived. My shoulder blade is burning, it feels like I've been sliced with a razor blade inside the neck brace, and I just know my mascara is running since I'm hysterical at this point.

The doctor arrives proceeds to yell at this young, but very sweet, nurse that there is probably shards of glass under my neck brace from the accident and she should have removed it at once! She starts to cry, I start to cry, it's pandemonium for a few seconds. Until he shoots me up with vicodin... in which case I forgot to mention that I'm extremely sensitive to and proceed to vomit on myself. There goes whats left of my dignity.

Things calm down from this point on, they call my Aunt... she tells my Uncle Jay to get to the hospital and she'll be there as soon as she gets her makeup on. Nice. I tell them NOT to call my parents, I'm fine. In walks Uncle Jay, here come the waterworks all over again, mostly from exhaustion. In walks Aunt Peggy (with makeup), comes to my rescue and cleans off the gothic makeup which has acquired on my face from all the tears. AND finally, in walks my mother who is beside herself because apparently my father (I don't remember how he knew), whom she just divorced, called her and told her I was in an accident and to get down to the hospital. Talk about drama.

I am discharged from the ER with a puncture wound to the left shoulder blade (caused by being stabbed by the deer's antler,of course) & minor cuts to face and neck area (due to my drivers side window and front windshield being shattered). Oh and many thanks from the ER staff for givin' em' a good laugh for the day. Still not amused.

Worst part of the day? Ruined my favorite blue sweater and the deer walked away unscathed... of course.

This stuff only happens to me.